Caring for an Elderly Parent

 

To avoid the whole "his or her" thing every time, I am going to use he or him in my writing.  This blog is dedicated to anyone who cares for an elderly parent.  Unless you do it - you can't know how difficult it can be at times.  It can also be a very rewarding experience.


"You" as The Main Caregiver

Caring for an elderly parent can leave you mentally, physically, and emotionally drained.

As your parent ages, there is a good chance he will need your help.  Professional help is available in most places, so if it is in your area, I suggest taking advantage of any home care services you can afford.  Sometimes, depending on the elderly person's income, it is free (here in Canada, at least).

It is a strange feeling to have the person you depended upon since you were a child, looking to you for assistance with things like personal hygiene (something I have yet to master with my parent), medications, paperwork, banking, bills, laundry...the list is endless.  The fundamental nature of your relationship with your parent changes in a way you most probably didn't expect when you became his caregiver.  A complete role-reversal, if you will.


Being the main (and often only) caregiver to an aging parent can be a stressful experience. You are probably going through many different emotions and it is very important for you to be aware of, and acknowledge these feelings.  It will mean the difference between having a meaningful, rewarding experience or having it be a very bad experience.

Stages

You will discover, perhaps to your surprise, (I know it surprised me!) that you will go through various stages of feelings about being your parents' caregiver.  Not least of all, feelings of anger and frustration.  These may be followed closely by guilt for being angry at your parent.  After all, it's not his fault he's getting old and is in poor health.  Following are some of the feelings or stages I went through...and you may, too.

Denial

One of the first things you may experience when facing the decline of a parent's function is denial.  Often this is how we first begin to deal with what promises to be a difficult situation.  You might subconsciously be trying to convince yourself that this isn't happening.
While you always thought of your father as a vital, outgoing, strong person, suddenly his body has become weak and he appears to have lost his zest for life.  Unfortunately you won't be of much help to him if you cannot come to terms with his limitations.  You will not be able to make the necessary arrangements for his care if you continue to deny or ignore the very real "symptoms of aging".  When I brought my father to live with me five years ago, it had been a number of years since I'd spent any time with him.  He lived four hours away and we weren't very good at visiting back and forth.  I found myself quite shocked at how much he had aged since I last saw him.  Five years later (and especially in the last six months) it is more glaring than ever.

Anger

One of the things I was most surprised at were the feelings of anger I had.  In my heart I knew my father was not to blame.  No one wants to get old, and we're all on the same path here.  You may feel resentful that so much of your time and, both physical and emotional energy, are being used up caring for your parent.  Even if you love your parent deeply, resentment at the huge burden being placed on you is not uncommon.  If you didn't have a good relationship with your parent before you became his caregiver, you face a bigger challenge again.

How you deal with these feelings, however, is important.  You cannot be an effective caregiver if you are feeling anger towards your parent all the time.  This is something I found I just had to deal with on my own.  The situation "is what it is", as the saying goes.  I was the one who moved my father here from a neighboring province.  I did so because I knew he wasn't managing on his own, physically or mentally.  Nor was he managing his health issues (mainly diabetes and heart disease).  He was also not taking his medications properly because he couldn't see - a result of eye bleeds from the diabetes.

While realistically I knew none of these things were his fault, it all seemed a bit overwhelming when I finally moved him here close to me.  


Helplessness

Even though you are an adult yourself, you may feel that your parent(s) should always be there to take care of you and help you through difficult times. Seeing your mother or father helpless makes you feel helpless.  You are your parents' child, even as an adult.  And when one of your parents is weak, it may make you feel scared and helpless, even though you know you are more than able to care of yourself.

Guilt - The BIG ONE!

When you realize that you just can't do it all yourself - you feel guilt.  It’s common for caregivers to feel guilty while others help their aging parents. Many believe that it’s their responsibility to provide for all of their parent’s needs. In the same way that a parent cannot meet all of the emotional and social needs of their children, an adult caregiver cannot be everything for their aging parent.

Care-giving often becomes an isolating experience, as it may seem that those around you don’t understand your unique situation.

Many people with elder care-giving responsibilities can find those responsibilities both a blessing (because you love your "elder") and a curse (heart-wrenching and at times - beyond your skill level) - and always a scheduling challenge.

Some Things You Will Need to Deal With

The first thing I had to deal with was having dad's pension checks moved from where he was living to his new province.  That meant dealing with the government old age pension offices.  Anyone who has had to deal with this sort of thing knows - there's no easy way to do it.  There are dozens of phone calls and reams of paperwork, banking info to get sorted - it took me three months to get it switched over.  Then there's provincial health care coverage to obtain - another month but we got it sorted.

Then you have to worry about finding a doctor.  Thankfully, that part was easy as my own family doctor of 30 years agreed to take my dad on as a patient.  Dad is on seven different medications and has to take nine pills in the morning and three at night.  Sometimes he forgets.  And I worry about that.  Today when I went over there were five or six stray pills on the kitchen table.  ??  When I asked about them he said the ones in the morning slot weren't counted out properly.  I know this to be not true because I count them as they are going into the holder and again after I'm finished to make sure they're right.  But he tips them out into his hand and sometimes spills them, then can't find them all.  But no point in arguing with him - that I have found out over these five years!

Happy Birthday Dad!

We celebrated Dad's 78th birthday, which was yesterday, over the weekend.  I took him to the Legion for their weekly "Karaoke Night", then on Sunday we got together with family for turkey dinner and birthday cake.  He enjoyed both outings and loves to visit with family and see the baby (his great granddaughter)  I wish I had time to take him out more, but with work sometimes I am just not able to.  It's also more difficult this time of year with all the ice and snow on the ground.  He is very unsteady on his feet, a problem mainly caused by his lack of exercise.  The occupational therapy people visited today, however, and they are going to teach him some easy exercises he can do at home (if he will).  They are also going to recommend some equipment we can rent for the bath to make getting out of the tub easier for him.

It's funny - after all this time (more than 5 years) of me grousing about his lack of personal hygiene, I find out just last week that part of it has been due to his difficulty getting out of the tub once he got into it.  I knew he wouldn't shower because he's too unsteady and the risk of falling too great.  My thoughts, however, about the tub thing - "why didn't you SAY SOMETHING!! before now?  So frustrating.  So we'll see when we get a bath chair if it makes any difference.  My daughter, who works in a nursing home says "old people are all like that".  She tells me when she bathes some of them they carry on like they're being murdered.  Not a positive enforcement for renting equipment - a scenario that is going to further cut into his meager pension income.   

A Day in the Life...

It's 3:30 pm and as the wind and snow blow around outside, I grab the meals I've prepared for Dad, my car keys and load his clean laundry and bedding into my car.  I've been working since 6:45 a.m. and feel like I've already put in a full day.  Our supper is in the oven, the dishwasher is on and the dryer is finishing the last load of my own clothes.  I'm now in "caregiver mode" and my second shift of the day has begun.

With a tired sigh, I fish around in my coat pocket to make sure I've remembered the grocery list I made earlier.  Dad remembers to tell me the things he's completely out of (sometimes) but I've started doing a cupboard/fridge check and asking about staples like sweetener, bread, butter etc. - he forgets he's low or out.  I spend the next ten minutes chiseling ice and snow off the car.

I stop at the grocers and grab what he needs, all the while dreading this trip because I haven't been over since the day before yesterday and I know he's going to be unshaven, have greasy hair and there will be dirty dishes all over the place.  Home care is starting tomorrow but the girls that are doing meal prep only clean up what "they" prepare - and housekeeping is apparently only coming once every two weeks.  Dad would leave the dishes (with dead food on them) for the two weeks, but I can't.   Sometimes I get cross at him - he is quite capable of doing his dishes - but he won't.  I could leave them until he has none clean and is forced to wash them - but I don't.

Dad is happy to see me.  While I dump old dried up food into the trash and put the dishes in the sink to soak, I do a quick check of his pills and fill them up, if necessary.  Also check the cat litter - because he thinks he cleaned it this morning - but usually it was four days ago - so I do that too.  Then check the bathroom and bedroom to make sure there are no "messes" he hasn't told me about.  I've already grabbed his mail on the way in - so I open that - write cheques and get the bills ready to send.

On a good day, things are fine and we get along great.  Some days, when I'm extra tired,  I carry my frustration and anger with me and when I see the mess, it carries over in my interaction with him.  I know that's not fair but sometimes I seem powerless to control how I feel.  And I guess I feel that because he is capable - it's unfair to leave it for me.  Makes me sound like a whiny baby but - hey!  It is what it is.  He's lazy - because he knows I'll do it.

After all is cleaned up, the meals are in the fridge and I've visited for a bit, I grab the trash and take it on my way out. Driving home, I can't help but think back to a time before Dad's health began to fail.  Before his eyesight was lost.  Once he was unable to drive any more it's like he lost his will to live.  He just wants to veg in that apartment day and night.

On my way home this day, I mentally tick off the sacrifices made since I became Dad's caregiver.  Between my jobs and other obligations, I have no spare time to spend with friends, or for shopping just for the fun of it.  My hour with a good book?   I read when I'm eating.  Going away even for a weekend is difficult because someone has to be around to check on him.  Money is short anyway because his living expenses usually outstrip his meager pension checks and I have to take up the slack if there's something he needs.

That being said.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  If he had Alzheimer's and wasn't aware of his surroundings, a nursing home would be an option.  But because he has expressed his fear of being placed in one, I don't have the heart to do it.  I do try to nurture my spiritual self when I can.  And as corny as that sounds, it's something I have to do.  I count my blessings and that always puts things into a better perspective.  I have six wonderful, healthy children, the most beautiful granddaughter in the world (well, I think so!) and another little grandchild on the way.

If I feel deprived of some of the things that once made me happy, I sometimes alternate between depression (feeling sorry for myself) and irritation.  And while I sometimes think how easy it would be to just "put him in a home"...that is not what I truly want to do from my heart.  There are days when I feel an overwhelming grief, for lack of a better word.  Grieving for time lost that can never be recovered.  But it's all part of my journey, and as such I need to carry on and do what I can for him because I know the day will come, too soon, when he won't be here and then it is too late to say "I should have"...to late for regrets.  I just hope I am making some difference and am helping to enhance his quality of life at this point.  It's kind of like raising kids - you're constantly second-guessing if the decisions you make on his behalf are the correct ones.

Being a caregiver isn't easy, but like everything else, there's a right way and a wrong way to do it.  I think a few basic guidelines would make it easier.

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